Changes
Thursday, Feb. 06, 2003 10:56 pm
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Well it should have been anyway. It started out that way.

And then mutated into a serious discussion. One with tears and pouring out of feelings (on my part).

James said I am afraid. Afraid of life, of failing, of making the wrong decision. He said that I need to change the way I think, before I can make changes in my life. That I am so afraid of what everyone else thinks I won't let myself DO anything. That though I have said I would try to lose weight, or make positive changes, I've never actually LET myself try. Because if I try I might fail.

He thinks I look the way I do because its a shield.

"If I eat more, I'll gain weight, I will get fatter and fatter and then no one will want to be near me. Or look at me."

It makes sense. And it explains how I can mindlessly stuff myself, gorge, and not even realise how much I ate, not even taste it.

It was a very emotional conversation. But I vowed to make changes in my life.

James says that if I don't I will be a 73 yr old woman saying "I should have done this, I should have done that"

I don't want to be like that. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a role model. I don't want my daughter or husband to be embarassed by me. I want to not be tired all the time. I don't want to be so afraid anymore. I HATE that feeling. And I am afraid of everything.

This morning when I woke up I did not roll over, burrow into the blanket and go back to sleep.

I got up, I made coffee. I drank some orange juice. I got Hani some yogart. I cleaned up dog pee.

In a minute I will shower and dress. Play games with my kid. Go for a walk. Clean the house.

Hey, its a start.

Artwork © Jessica Galbreth