Complaining Again
Tuesday, Jul. 15, 2003 6:52 pm
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Sometimes I think my husband and I come from different planets. I sit here, as close to panic as it is possible. My mind is never far from the subject of our debt. I worry about it so much I feel sick. Everything I do reminds me of our problems. When I run the water to do the dishes or shower, I think "What will we do when the hot water is shut off??" When I cook dinner I think "What will we do when the gas is shut off?" Whenever I here someone walking up the stairs, or knock at the door I wonder "Is it the Landlord here to harass us?"

And my husband is always telling me I worry too much. I am paranoid. Final notices and unpaid bills may pile up in the mail, he may literally spend our last dollar on eggs, and I am worrying to much.

Every night I have nightmares. Last night I dreamt that James disappeared, Hani was kidnapped and our dog was torn to bits by coyotes.

Its not fair. How can he sit there so calmly in the face of this? How can he say we are stable? He just left with Hani to go to the store and I burst into tears. He says I see things differently then him. He says we may have to move, to sell our car. And he says it all so calmly, like its no big deal.

How can we move? Even IF we had enough money, most landlords do credit checks. We only got this place by pure luck. How can we sell our car? We went the winter without a car but we had Jim and Lee's to go to the store and laundrymat, and appointments. How would we do with out? Especially if we move out of the city! How will we get utilities turned on if we have such astronomical bills now? I have no idea why they aren't off yet!

How How HOW!!! How can he say we are all right? I don't understand it. Yes we love each other. Yes we are a lovely little family unit. BUT HOW CAN HE SAY THINGS ARE OK?

I'm sorry. I've worked myself into a state. James is going to be annoyed with me when he reads this. But I can't help how I feel. I love my husband, and I trust his judgement... But its so hard when he says "Everything will be alright" to just leave it at that. Its not the way I am built. I worry. That's what I do. I have lived so many years without anything, I remember what that's like. I don't want to be there again. It scares me.

I feel so horrible, all the time. And I feel so bad for James because I am constantly harping. Constantly whining. Constantly asking. Its not fair to him.

I need to be a stronger person.

Artwork © Jessica Galbreth